I think I just blew my own mind. Sitting and mulling. Considering. Pondering…

For the past 15 years, since I entered the mental health system, I’ve been telling myself “I always have to have a Plan-B”… Not just that I need to have that Plan-B, but be actively preparing for it. Why? So that if anything happens, and someone or something attacks or sabotages Plan-A, I will be ok.

I am unable to measure the amount of energy I have put in to ensuring my Plan-B will be adequate and survivable over the years… I know when it started. It started when people told me over and over “you can’t be a doctor and have mental health problems”, “you don’t belong in medicine”, “you’re different and you’re not one of us”, “you’re not worthy of a career in medicine”, “you’ll never be a safe doctor because you’ve had mental illness”. Those were not quiet messages, they have been the prevailing messages I received throughout medical school and my career thus far. Some people are still trying to send those messages.

“We should scrutinise you more harshly because you’ve experienced something we are not willing to entertain we may also be vulnerable to experiencing…”

I’ve done myself an injustice in my ignorance and naivety. Sometime in the past 3 years, I realised those things were bullshit. I realised I didn’t have to let people who know less about me than I do, and who haven’t walked my path, dictate to me what my future is limited to. The problem was, until today, my brain was still operating in defence, in preparation for attack and failure. I’ve kept pouring effort into Plan-B preparation and engagement.

Wrong approach.  

Recently I started, without realising, pouring all that energy into Plan-A again… Signing up for the extra study courses I will need to succeed in Plan-A… Applying, against the odds, for jobs that will let me progress through Plan-A… Asking for opportunities that will help make Plan-A possible (not just opportunities that are visible, but seeking to create ones). But, most importantly, I am now allowing myself to believe in my own mind, and visualise, the actuation off Plan-A: Seeing Plan-A as reality sometime in my future.  

For fear of pain, suffering, heartache and disappointment, I haven’t let myself believe in Plan-A enough to fight for it. Yes, I have to fight harder than some others for the same thing (in this setting). But, I am fighting for it. I am appealing in NCAT. I am owning my story. I’m standing up and calling out the people who are so very wrong about who/what I am.

I am planning to make it possible. I’m relearning some things that were forgotten and strengthening new skills I have learnt on this pathway.

Today, I realised I’ve let people put me in a position where it wasn’t just them stealing from my future; it was me too. By giving power to their judgements and their words (most often made with no evidence) I let them convince me that Plan-A could never happen. I let them motivate me to invest more heavily into preparing for Plan-B than into fighting for Plan-A.  

Now, I am not. No more! I’ve already learnt that others do not get to define who or what I am, or where my story goes. 

I am actively investing in Plan-A and will make it happen. I am going to stop wasting my resources preparing for Plan-B, just so that it hurts less if I face a set-back. And, I’m going to see set-backs for what they are; set-backs. They’re not final endings or conclusions, not final chances…  

Screw Plan-B! I’m resilient and capable.

Plan-A deserves my efforts and Plan-B is simply the acceptance of other people’s attempts to put me in a box and dictate who I am, what I’ll be, and where I’ll go.