Trigger warning: The follow post raises suicide and may cause distress to some readers.

The letter below was sent to me by a friend who recently died by suicide. He sent it as an attachment to a ‘goodbye message’ that arrived in my inbox a few days after he passed via a ‘scheduled send’. It came with the instructions I should open it and read it should I ever reach a point where I felt overwhelmed and like suicide may be an option (again) in the future. He was clear I didn’t need to be imminently at risk, but should the thought cross my mind as a possibility he wanted me to read it. He said if it helped then I should share it.

He called this letter a safety-net that he wanted to put in place for me, his friend. Today I was overwhelmed and hit a moment of darkness. I read his letter many times. It did help me. I realised we need to put safety-nets in place for our friends before we think they need them (because often it is too late when we realise). Perhaps his legacy will be others installing safety-nets for those they value.

It worked because it was personal. This contents were so real and perfectly lined up with who I am, how I think, and what works for me. No safety-net should be the same for any two people…

This is the safety-net from a dear friend who I will continue to remember and cherish despite his untimely departure:

Start reading here…

Hi [My Name]

When you open this letter you will be feeling like shit.  Read the whole thing from beginning to end.  When you reach the bottom start again if you still aren’t thinking like the real you.

I wrote this for you knowing I’m not going to be there right now when you need to hear this.  I’m sorry.  It’s better this is written down for you to find on your computer when you need it.  I know you too well and you won’t pick up that phone at the critical moment.  You will go to your computer…  I hope you will open the file where you saved this.  

I got my writing tips from you…  Read on, ‘Patch’… [I know you still love the movie even when you say you don’t].

We did not gel when I first met you.  Time changed that and you became my friend.  You also became someone I admire and look up to.  

This is who you are… 

You are an amazing woman!  You’re kind and caring.  When you see someone else is hurt you stop to help try to fix it even if you don’t know how to do it.  You are different and don’t fit in.  You are tough, strong, determined and put up with all manner of crap that comes at you in life.  You bounce back and get right back up when life knocks you down.  You’re smart like I didn’t know people could be and you use those smarts to solve problems other people can’t.  You are brave and courageous!

Because you don’t fit in people sometimes hate or fear or dislike you.  Your differences are part of you.  They are not bad.  They are good.  You are not broken.  You don’t have to be like everyone else to make this world a better place.  You already have made the world a better place.

I said you get back up every single time you get knocked down.  I’ve seen you get up and push through countless times.  Even when you’re totally broken you power on and reach the finish line.  Girl, you’ve got guts!  Tough cookie…

Nobody tells you what’s right or what you should think.  You decide for yourself and you stick with it when others challenge you because its different.  You get out there and fight for what is right even when it cost you everything you have.  You don’t let injustice slip past, you don’t excuse it.  Good.  Keep doing all that.  It’s hard.

You are someone who needs to be here.  You have influence.  You have a purpose!

I’ve told you who you are.  Now I’m telling you where I know you are if you’re choosing to read this letter…

Right now you are tired.  You’re exhausted.  Emotions are running high and you feel overwhelmed.  I know you.  You’re using your amazing memory against yourself remembering all the things that have hurt you.  They’re still hurting you.  You are busy because I’ve never known you to not be busy and have too much on.  There’s a high chance you’re about to miss some sort of deadline.  I know you hate being late.  You’re in pain.

When you reach this point you isolate yourself and push people away.  You’re probably doing everything you can to push away people who do care.  They want to help.  They aren’t perfect.  They might get it wrong.  Don’t let your traumatic memories stop them from caring for you right now.  You’re the queen of doing it all by yourself but you don’t have to.  I know you don’t know how to trust right now but I want you to try.  

You’re catastrophising everything.  Its another thing you do better than everyone else so stop being so good at everything.  Catastrophising is not something you need to be good at.  

You only get to the dark place when you can’t solve a problem.  Whatever it is you can’t solve today you will solve tomorrow.  Think back at the times when you pulled through then found solutions.  It will happen again.

Everything you tell others about how they can care for themselves you’re ignoring right now.  Listen to your own advice…  Help yourself how you help others!  

I know you love pharmacology and toxicology.  That passion causes risk when you’re broken.  If you’re planning creative cocktails or starting to calculate minimum lethal doses I want you to stop.  You probably have access to something dangerous.  Don’t open the bottle.  We had a laugh about the Happy Pills you bought the other week and how they have messages in them.  That’s a good strategy so overdose on them instead.  I know you are going to love opening each capsule.  Just do it…

You criticise yourself more than anyone else can or will.  That means right now you feel like a failure and a hypocrite.  You’ll be doubting your abilities skills and whether you have worth.  Yes you do!  The doubts are unfounded.  

People have slammed you for appearing impulsive.  You are not impulsive but you do finalise and rationalise big decision too fast when you feel overwhelmed.  You think and act fast.  That’s fine in an emergency but not fine when you’re feeling this bad.  I want you to think through all relevant information when you decide.  Do not just focus on the bits that confirm how you feel.  Put your logical brain on and treat it like a maths equation.  You are good at maths so that point should sort this whole mess out.

You need a plan because you’re all about actions…  Instructions below…

Choose the Happy Pills and overdose on the messages inside.  Cry because you can.  Write it all down because you write well.  List all the information just like in your assignments.  Try to let others reach out to you and let your guard down a bit.  Fuck the deadline if there is one because it can wait and you caring for you can’t.  Drop the F-bomb at whoever is upsetting you then say sorry later when you feel better.  They’ll get over it.  Cuddle Hope.  Watch A Little Princess.  Vent online.  Get some sleep.  Keep on going.

I hope you wake up tomorrow feeling stronger.  I hope you keep fighting.  I want you to keep being out there showing the world what different can achieve.  Keep fighting for the people who can’t.  

Don’t let the bastards get you down!  

You’ve got this girl…  You’ve always had it…

Start at the beginning again if you need to.

Your friend, 

Dr [name removed for privacy reasons]